"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
-Chuck Palahniuk
For most of my life, I've always known exactly who I am--almost to the point that I pigeon-holed myself into a certain role. I've always been the outgoing, guilt-ridden yet ironically carefree, somewhat absent-minded youngest child. Luckily, I've somewhat escaped that in dating Kyle. He lets me feel completely comfortable and confident in the decisions I make, and he always takes me seriously.
Unfortunately, I've always felt like I have to fit the roles that I've perceived any certain person may have assigned to me. I always tell myself, "Well, if they think I'm like ______, then they must think that for a reason. Something about me must be kind of like that." Then I never escape the role whenever I'm around that person, therefore proving their perceived assumptions about me to be correct. The vicious cycle continues.
Why do I let what I THINK others think affect the way I think about myself? Granted, some people never care enough about what other people think, but why do I have to care so much?
The older I get, the less I like who I am. I'm anxious, can't trust my own opinions, repeat myself, skip around when I tell stories, am late everywhere, am never quite put together, make promises I couldn't possibly keep, talk a lot, and think too much about every word coming out of my mouth or out through the tips of my fingers. I need to get back in touch with the person I am and the person I want to be. Where did I stray off course? How did I end up here? Did I ever really love myself? Or does it just seem so in hindsight? For as long as I can remember, I have worried. Worried about everything and everyone. I'm sick of it. Time for bed. More...if/or whenever I feel like it. Now that's honest.
August 16, 2010
July 13, 2010
Post #2: Chest Feeling Heavy
Every time I go to sign into Facebook, I get this heavy feeling in my chest. It's been a side effect of this social media network for as long as I can remember. "Great, what drama am I about to discover NOW? What rude comment will I see next? Who will I notice has deleted me this time?" I don't understand any of it. Sure, I'm biased, but, for as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to include everyone. I'm not necessarily calling around to invite everyone and their brother to everything, but, for the most part, I think I'm always more than happy to have more people join along in whatever I'm doing with friends or family. I've just never been really exclusive. Probably the only time I ever am is if I'm really feeling a girls' night and don't want any of our boyfriends to rain on the all-female parade. But that's not anything personal against the boys specifically. I love all of them bunches. Plus, I've probably rained on a few all-male parades in my day. In fact, I'm sure of it. Sorry to anyone whose guys' nights I may have ruined in the past.
I've only ever deleted one person on Facebook that I can remember, and it was after the person was so incredibly mean to me that I realized it was the healthy choice to cut them out of my life as much as possible. Even then, I added the person back because I didn't want to cause any problems. Gosh, I hate Facebook. I hate it with a fiery passion. Yet I don't delete it. Rather, I delete it, and then sign back in again weeks later. Why??
Well, I'll tell you why. People start forgetting you exist and stop inviting you to parties and events. "Oh, sorry, I forgot you don't have Facebook. I used a Facebook invite." You start missing out on people's pictures, and you lose touch with friends who live far away or are on vacation. You know what, though? I keep in touch with my close friends regardless of whether or not we both have a Facebook page. Maybe some relationships are meant to fade over time. We're preventing that from happening, and I'm not so sure it's always a good thing. It's just one more thing keeping us trapped in the past. I love the past, trust me. I'm one of the most nostalgic people you'll ever come across. I have difficulty throwing things away, and I shop almost exclusively at second-hand stores. It's just that some relationships aren't meant to last, and that's okay. We can always remember them the way they were; we can even idealize them if we so desire...which I usually do. I just don't think we should drag them out. We ought to quit while we're ahead more often.
If some of the relationships we have with "friends" on Facebook were to be actualized as humans, they'd be total has-beens on celebrity reality shows that leave everyone screaming at their televisions, "Give it up already! No one cares who you are anymore! Your career died in the '80s!"
The point I'm getting at is: Why do I care if someone who treats me like crap deletes me as their Facebook "friend"? Why do I beat myself up over not inviting people to my wedding when I haven't seen them for months, or even years? Because I care too much! Because Facebook has led me to believe that I need to care what all of these people think about me! But I don't! It hurts to know that someone has gone out of their way to decide they would rather take the active steps to delete you from their online lives rather than passively allow you to maintain the title of "friend." But, you know what, what better way to find out someone is a petty, asshole piece-of-shit?
So I was wrong after all. Thank you, Facebook. Now I know who my REAL friends are! Sort of.
I've only ever deleted one person on Facebook that I can remember, and it was after the person was so incredibly mean to me that I realized it was the healthy choice to cut them out of my life as much as possible. Even then, I added the person back because I didn't want to cause any problems. Gosh, I hate Facebook. I hate it with a fiery passion. Yet I don't delete it. Rather, I delete it, and then sign back in again weeks later. Why??
Well, I'll tell you why. People start forgetting you exist and stop inviting you to parties and events. "Oh, sorry, I forgot you don't have Facebook. I used a Facebook invite." You start missing out on people's pictures, and you lose touch with friends who live far away or are on vacation. You know what, though? I keep in touch with my close friends regardless of whether or not we both have a Facebook page. Maybe some relationships are meant to fade over time. We're preventing that from happening, and I'm not so sure it's always a good thing. It's just one more thing keeping us trapped in the past. I love the past, trust me. I'm one of the most nostalgic people you'll ever come across. I have difficulty throwing things away, and I shop almost exclusively at second-hand stores. It's just that some relationships aren't meant to last, and that's okay. We can always remember them the way they were; we can even idealize them if we so desire...which I usually do. I just don't think we should drag them out. We ought to quit while we're ahead more often.
If some of the relationships we have with "friends" on Facebook were to be actualized as humans, they'd be total has-beens on celebrity reality shows that leave everyone screaming at their televisions, "Give it up already! No one cares who you are anymore! Your career died in the '80s!"
The point I'm getting at is: Why do I care if someone who treats me like crap deletes me as their Facebook "friend"? Why do I beat myself up over not inviting people to my wedding when I haven't seen them for months, or even years? Because I care too much! Because Facebook has led me to believe that I need to care what all of these people think about me! But I don't! It hurts to know that someone has gone out of their way to decide they would rather take the active steps to delete you from their online lives rather than passively allow you to maintain the title of "friend." But, you know what, what better way to find out someone is a petty, asshole piece-of-shit?
So I was wrong after all. Thank you, Facebook. Now I know who my REAL friends are! Sort of.
June 8, 2010
The Generation of Genuendo
genuendo
n.[jen-yoo-en-doh] alluding to genuineness
Have you ever played those games with friends that have you asking each other questions that start with phrases such as "Would you rather..." or "If you had to choose just one..." or "If you had to be an animal..."? This is something my friends and I made a habit of back in high school. We'd ask each other hypothetical questions to pass the time and make each other laugh, so I was pretty much prepared when it came time for me to answer funny interview questions:
If you were a dog, what kind would you be? Easy, Golden retriever.
If you were a flower, what kind would you be? Daisy.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be? This is tough...I can never choose between flying and invisibility!
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Well, genuine, of course!
n.[jen-yoo-en-doh] alluding to genuineness
Have you ever played those games with friends that have you asking each other questions that start with phrases such as "Would you rather..." or "If you had to choose just one..." or "If you had to be an animal..."? This is something my friends and I made a habit of back in high school. We'd ask each other hypothetical questions to pass the time and make each other laugh, so I was pretty much prepared when it came time for me to answer funny interview questions:
If you were a dog, what kind would you be? Easy, Golden retriever.
If you were a flower, what kind would you be? Daisy.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be? This is tough...I can never choose between flying and invisibility!
If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Well, genuine, of course!
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