"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
-Chuck Palahniuk
For most of my life, I've always known exactly who I am--almost to the point that I pigeon-holed myself into a certain role. I've always been the outgoing, guilt-ridden yet ironically carefree, somewhat absent-minded youngest child. Luckily, I've somewhat escaped that in dating Kyle. He lets me feel completely comfortable and confident in the decisions I make, and he always takes me seriously.
Unfortunately, I've always felt like I have to fit the roles that I've perceived any certain person may have assigned to me. I always tell myself, "Well, if they think I'm like ______, then they must think that for a reason. Something about me must be kind of like that." Then I never escape the role whenever I'm around that person, therefore proving their perceived assumptions about me to be correct. The vicious cycle continues.
Why do I let what I THINK others think affect the way I think about myself? Granted, some people never care enough about what other people think, but why do I have to care so much?
The older I get, the less I like who I am. I'm anxious, can't trust my own opinions, repeat myself, skip around when I tell stories, am late everywhere, am never quite put together, make promises I couldn't possibly keep, talk a lot, and think too much about every word coming out of my mouth or out through the tips of my fingers. I need to get back in touch with the person I am and the person I want to be. Where did I stray off course? How did I end up here? Did I ever really love myself? Or does it just seem so in hindsight? For as long as I can remember, I have worried. Worried about everything and everyone. I'm sick of it. Time for bed. More...if/or whenever I feel like it. Now that's honest.
Everyone is anxious, distrusts their own opinions, and makes impossible promises. Most people don't tell stories well and end up repeating themselves. You talk a lot to make others feel comfortable...that's altruistic. You frequently are well put-together, and what's the point of being on-time when everybody else shows up late?
ReplyDeleteMaybe, instead of getting in touch with the person you want to be, just make peace with the person that you are. Because I like that person a lot. The older I get, the more I realize I'm lucky to have you and the rest of our friends as friends.