June 28, 2011

Let it Flow

"He that can have patience can have what he will."

- Benjamin Franklin

Nothing good can be forced.

The things in my life that have worked out for the best have been the things I demonstrated patience for in order to receive. I always waited to be crazy about someone before dating them. In turn, Kyle showed patience in pursuing me as well. It took time, and I didn't try to rush into anything. Neither of us did.

I love my new job, and I didn't force that either. I had another offer but wanted my current position so badly that I graciously declined that one and waited to hear back from my current employer. I didn't want to call and put on the pressure by letting them know of my other offer because I wanted to let everything flow naturally. It worked out.

When you want something to work out so badly that you find yourself constantly acting on impulse or flat out just trying too hard, then you probably need to either chill out or realize that it may just not be meant to happen. Maybe it would have happened if you had played it a little more cool, but, really, there IS no "would have been." There just is what there is. And we have to deal with it.

There are countless movies about love triangles because no one wants someone who wants them so much. So they like someone else instead. And then that person gets pushed away because they're wanted too much. And so on and so on. That dynamic exists in every type of relationship in life, whether it be at home, work, or school. Or anywhere really. The game of hard-to-get works. It's unfortunate but true.

Why don't we appreciate those who appreciate us? We want nothing more than to be seen by those to whom we seem invisible. Yet we don't want to be admired quite as much as we are by some others throughout our lives. What in the world is wrong with all of us?

I'm a big believer in balance. I lack it for the most part, but I'm constantly striving to achieve it. The thing about balance is that we can only have it for brief moments; the rest of the time, we're barely teetering on the edge and lucky not to have fallen off the balance beam of life just yet.

Do you ever think much about how easy it is to die? And then wonder how you're still here? I drive 60 miles on the freeway every day. I've seen four pretty terrible car accidents near my office in the last three months alone. Kyle has told me stories of calls he's been on with a few different fire stations this past month, and I've just been more aware than ever of how things can drastically change in an instant. This paragraph is getting incredibly morbid, so I apologize. But part of maintaining balance, for me, is realizing how delicate the balance between life and death is, how thin that line is that separates the two.

Anyway, I started writing this because, for the first time in quite a long time, I have felt hurt and rejected by another. Actually, rejection would be easier to get over, I think. I've experienced indifference toward me from a person I was so hoping would want to be a great friend. Not even straight-up indifference actually. Maybe it would be more accurate to call it a mere lack of enthusiasm over getting to know me. It's okay. Understandable. I was trying too hard anyway. I was trying to force it. I over-watered it like I'm pretty sure I did my succulent plant. Which reminds me, who kills a succulent?

So back to the whole balance thing. I've been feeling more physical pain in my heavy chest over the past week or so from being hurt and disappointed emotionally than I have in...hmm, years maybe. But look at what it did. I've been writing more than ever. It made me feel alive again. Not that I didn't feel alive. But I hadn't been inspired.

If I hadn't been so saddened by the situation with this person who would truly think I'm an absolute nut job for caring so much what they think of me and would be surprised to learn this is about them*, then I wouldn't be expressing myself like this. My words would be stale and lack that raw feeling they always used to have. Or that I hope they had.

Wanting something so badly and caring about a new person so much has made me realize that there's still so much in life that I have yet to do. It wasn't that long ago that I told a friend I thought I would be content with all of the good friends I already have for the rest of my life. I love all of my family and friends so much and have known most of my friends for years. I felt fulfilled and couldn't fathom the idea of fitting another person into my life. How silly and selfish that was. I'm glad karma or whatever it may be came along at just the right time to slap me upside the head and make me realize how immature I was to think I don't need to keep getting to know people.

Learning all about new people used to be my absolute favorite thing to do. That's partly why I wanted to be a counselor or psychologist. I wanted to get to know people and their genuine selves that could only be tapped into during life's most difficult times. I wanted to help people feel understood the way that I yearn to be understood.

Maybe all of this is helping me realize I need to go back to school. Maybe I was already on the right path before and strayed for some reason. Maybe I'm the prodigal daughter to my dreams, my calling. Here I am. Please take me back.

*Don't worry, the person I was referring to doesn't have my blog address. If you're reading my blog though, then I think you should know that I already think you're awesome. You are a rare breed, seeing as how there are only about five of you.

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