February 12, 2013

Post #4: Home

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it."

-George Moore

I can't even count how many times I've looked through our wedding pictures at this point. I thought I wouldn't care about our pictures because I usually don't care much about any pictures. I also don't think I'm particularly photogenic, so I tend to avoid photos all together. I've been loving these ones, though, because I've been reliving one of the best days of my life. I feel so lucky to be able to say that about my wedding day. We were surrounded by family and friends, and I really feel like there was this amazing convergence of happiness and joy, this connection between everyone, that developed in the last few weeks leading up to our wedding. When I think about how much fun I had and how grateful I feel for everyone in my life, I literally feel overwhelmed. I usually read stuff like this on blogs and want to yak at how sappy and fake people sound when they say all this stuff, but I really, really mean it. I feel like there was this absolute perfection I caught a glimpse of, and I hope I can have that again sometime.

Unfortunately, I realize that nothing in life is perfect and that there are always loose ends on everything. There's one particular loose end that comes up in my thoughts more frequently than I would like. I don't know that this cloth was ever intact to begin with, but there were at least days I can recall when it looked much more put-together than it does now. Why do I feel my personal losses so much more intensely than my personal wins? Why do we all do that? Why do we give the negative in life so much more attention than the positive? Do we just take the positive for granted because we expect that to be a given in life?

Anyway, I want peace in my life. I want to be a good person. I want to think good thoughts and speak kind words. I want harmony. I want friends. I want family. I want time with the people whom I love. I'm thankful for the ones I love and who love me in return while simultaneously sorrowful about those friendships I have lost. I want to be focused on others and not myself. I want to be genuine. But I want my genuine self to be my ideal self. I don't know if that can ever happen, but I sure as hell am going to try.

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