"If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life - and only then will I be free to become myself."
- Martin Heidegger
I feel like I miss every day of my life by sitting in an office looking outside at the beautiful day that could be mine to enjoy in an alternate reality. I find myself daydreaming and being curious about where else I could be, like Disneyland with my nieces and nephews. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because it's wonderful to have a job in this economy, especially given the fact that my current workplace is probably infinitely more enjoyable than most I know of. In fact, I really do love where I work. Yet there's this emptiness within me.
I feel like I want to spend my every waking moment with family and friends. But they have their jobs, too. We all do. It's a fact of life. It's good to be busy, I'm sure. Not too busy, but a little busy. However, I haven't really found my "thing" yet. I've come to accept that one's "thing" they love to do isn't necessarily a paid job but can simply be a hobby. So I've decided to start pursuing some of the things I've always been interested in doing but have never really tried.
I would love to be an actress or a singer or a writer or even an inspirational speaker. I would love to learn how to play piano or guitar and sing to people. But first I would need a beautiful voice. Mine's okay. But it doesn't make me feel incredibly inspired, so I'm not sure it would make anyone else feel that way either. I haven't done anything in my life that's super inspirational, but I think I have the ability to get other people motivated to make the most of themselves. Which is why I'm so incredibly frustrated with myself for not figuring out how to do that for myself. It's always a lot more clear to us what other people are good at and capable of than it is in regard to ourselves.
I think I'd love to act mostly because it would help me let go of being afraid to say or feel certain things. And because it's the type of career (if you're wildly successful, that is) that gives you the power needed to help change the world by getting other people motivated. Anyway, I think it would help me become more open and honest with myself, and it would challenge me to get in touch with every part of my personality. I think acting also helps people understand other people's situations and personalities as well. I guess it all kind of makes sense since I love studying psychology and personalities and human behavior.
I wish that the things I'd love to do weren't so difficult to get into in the first place. I also dislike how much criticism is involved in the creative field since everything is mostly subjective in it, but, at the same time, it would probably be good for me to sort of go through a trial by fire. It would help me get over my fears of failure and what other people think of me.
I haven't totally been loving myself recently. I really don't have anything concrete to complain about, and I love all the people around me. In fact, I've been having a blast with my friends and Kyle recently. However, I think I kind of complain a lot since I'm becoming disenchanted with human nature and the world in general (which is kind of another tangent having to do with whether the world is just worse off right now or if I'm just getting older and realizing that not everything is quite as wonderful as I may have previously thought - that's a whole other topic for another post). And yet I'm still simultaneously amazed by all of it, too. Maybe what I've always seen in myself as balance is really just one big contradiction.
I guess that's all I have to say right now. Well, that's a lie. I just can't put the rest of it into words just yet.
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Boy, I really am a broken record, aren't I? I was just re-reading everything I've written, and I feel like such an Eeyore. I guess I'm just in a creative rut and have nothing else interesting to write about at the moment. Any suggestions for what you do to get yourself motivated and/or jump-start your imagination?
Also, here's a slap for me. *SLAP* Phew, I needed that. I need to get out of my head and start looking around at other people. I need to figure out how to solve some of the societal problems that have been discouraging me recently. It's a daunting task, which is why I think I so often neglect my inclination to want to help fix things. Kyle gets to help people every day, and I would love to find something to do that could help other people in some small way, or inspire them at the very least. So that is the vague goal I have, I suppose. Good, now I've gotten to the core of what draws me to all of those things I mentioned earlier. That's a start at least.
Man, do you ever just get caught between the choices of completely focusing only on the things that truly seem to matter, like helping other people and providing enough for your family, and the more petty option of spending time reflecting on yourself and your choices? I start to feel really self-centered, and it really bothers me. Again, all about me, huh? How annoying. At the same time, though, I don't think we can neglect ourselves, our wants, our needs, our loves, or else we'll completely fall apart and be of no use to anyone else either. So maybe figuring yourself out is the foundation to being helpful in life and serving a purpose other than converting oxygen into carbon dioxide, which, by the way, is not that great of a purpose. Then again, I ain't no scientist.
Humans sure do have a wonderful capacity for justifying their own actions, don't they? I need to figuratively shut up now. No more writing. Okay, now I'm really stopping. Wait, now I am. Wait, gah! Isn't this the worst? I'm so cliché. Stream of consciousness, hooray!
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