Relax

I just spent some time reading over the last few posts I've put up to motivate myself to write more again. I'm really glad I wrote all of those posts because they've inspired me to CALM DOWN. I mean, seriously, how do any of you put up with my constant worry and ridiculous amount of over-conscientiousness and self-awareness? How do I put up with it myself? How am I in my head all the time? If I were standing in front of myself, I would give me a hug and say, "It'll all be okay, kid."

I need to give myself a break. I need to take a deep breath and just relax. Now I don't like how much I sound like a victim. And writing that sentence just makes me more annoyed with myself for always analyzing what I say or think before I even finish saying or thinking it. I'm not self-loathing or anything. I think I'm an alright human for the most part. I just want to shake myself sometimes though. And I want to stop starting every sentence with "I."

How do you go about changing something about your personality that is so deeply ingrained in you? How do you get yourself out of the box you've been sitting so comfortably in? Do you just have to learn to embrace everything about yourself whether you like it or not? Or are there just some things we'll battle with ourselves over throughout our lives? Unlike the ones in my first paragraph, these are not rhetorical questions.

Edit: Upon giving this post a little more thought, I feel exactly the same about it as I do all of my previous posts. A lot of the time, I wish two things. Well, that's probably an exaggeration. On occasion, I have wished two things. 1) That I had some sort of hobby aside from being fascinated with human behavior. 2) That I were a man.

I'm just going to let that second point sink in for a moment before explaining myself...

If I were a man, I think so many things would be better. Yes, being a woman (which still sounds weird to say, by the way) can be fun. I love my relationship with my mom and sisters and girlfriends. And Kyle. And...well, I suppose being pregnant will be cool when I get there, though I am in no way, shape, or form excited to actually give birth. I can't think of any other benefits at the moment. Oh wait, you can get free drinks and cry your way out of tickets. People trust you more, I think. And you're not expected to carry heavy things. I think that just about sums it up.

If I were a man, I think only my favorite parts of myself would be left. Don't be gross or anything because I'm talking about the intangible stuff. Seeing as how I wish I would worry less about how I'm perceived and not care so much about trying to please everyone, I think being a man would be really helpful. They're not expected to cater to everyone's needs like women are. They're not even expected to be super nice. There are a lot of things that I say (or don't) that I think are taken differently simply because of my being the messenger. Men just get away with saying a lot of things, which is fine because I enjoy men and know many who are incredibly entertaining. I just wish that I had the same privilege.

My brother once told me to be direct with someone who had been rude to me. Whatever it was he told me to say, I proceeded to explain to him that such a direct comment would make people think I was a bi***. I pointed out to him that he could talk to his friends that way and have everyone be over it two minutes later. Not so when you're a woman. Everything has to be hashed out. I'm part of the problem, too. I admit it. I don't like it, but I admit it.

I think a lot of my time is wasted beating around the bush and talking in circles in an effort to be tactful. I wish I were more direct. Then just be more direct, you say. But it just isn't socially acceptable for women to be as straight-forward as men. Being coy and indirect and passive-aggressive and impossible to read is all part of the game for females. I don't understand how this was helpful in the evolutionary process, and I wish I could put an end to it.

I'm not blaming society for the things I wish I could change about myself, but I do realize it sounds that way. It's just that I truly believe I could be a more genuine version of my core self if my gender didn't color the way my words and actions are perceived. For once, I really don't know how to express what I'm trying to convey. I hope this somewhat made sense to you. I'm guessing only women will understand what I'm getting at, although I have a feeling that there's a similar sentiment among some people when it comes to ethnicity as well. I know women aren't the minority, which is so ironic to me; but I'm just kind of confused about how everything having to do with gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and so on has gotten to this point. Who ever decided what is normal, acceptable, healthy, "better," etc., in the first place anyway?

I know there are millions of viewpoints on this topic, and I really don't think either gender is better than the other. Personally though, I sometimes wonder whether I'd enjoy life more as a man. I mean, think of all the time I'd save if I didn't have to blow-dry my hair and put on make-up every day.

So, any thoughts on which gender has it easier? Or what the pros and cons are to being one or the other?

I know it's late and that a lot of my points are either really unclear and/or not very well thought out yet, so please don't be offended or take anything I said too seriously. I'm sure I'll change my mind tomorrow. It's one of those blessing/curse things about being a woman.