Looking Back

I was reading over all of my old posts on another blogspot blog I used to have in college. I made me wish I could still write in that wistful, breathless way that I always used to even just a couple years ago. I'll have to get back in touch with that part of myself soon. Anyway, I found a post that I thought captured me really well. It made me start to cry at one point when I was reading it, and I'm not exactly sure why or at what point it happened. But I figured that was a good sign that I ought to post it tonight. I wrote this just over four years ago, right after I turned 20. Sounds so young to me already...

Be forewarned: I don't know how to get rid of that white background, and there are no paragraph breaks. Here goes:

Maybe it isn't good to write for an audience. You're not really open. Not genuine. But, then again, maybe you're kind of writing for yourself when you write to no one. Which means you're writing to your harshest critic. Which means you're not really open. Not genuine. I haven't had anything to write for a long time. Or maybe I have but just haven't made the time to do it for whatever reason. I've been seeing life differently this whole year. I don't go out as much. I don't have as many friends. And I'm fine admitting that because I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Maybe it's not that I don't have as many friends but just that we don't make as much time for each other as we used to. I used to see each day differently. Like a movie. Like everyone was a character in my movie. Including myself. Now I just live. I think. I never really know anything for sure. I never speak with conviction. Even that isn't a statement I can make with conviction because sometimes I probably do speak with conviction. I'm too diplomatic. Is there such a thing?I should read a book or something to get my mind thinking about something other than the food abbreviations at Chili's. I hate when I get certain things stuck in my head like a word that's difficult to spell or a phrase in another language. Une feuille de papier. Facetious. SteakPorto. I like poems because no one expects them to make sense. Or at least they shouldn't. I don't think poems should be so structured. Structure is meant for things like work. Not life. Things with structure can be fun sometimes but only in spite of it, not because of it. If I write a poem and someone interprets it in a way that offends them, I can just tell them they don't understand it. But if I flat-out say something offensive, there's no rearranging my words. Though sometimes even straight language can be misinterpreted. Humor, sarcasm, satire. They don't always translate just right. I don't even know what I'm getting at anymore.I want to live larger. I don't know what that means I would have to do, but I'm willing to do it. I don't want to get caught up in petty disputes. I don't want to worry about what I'm going to wear. I just want to live and enjoy. I want to take it for what it's worth. Whatever "it" may be. Big picture, small picture; they both reflect one another. Small helps interpret big in a way we can comprehend. Big helps us not get too focused on small. Balance, moderation, diplomacy. Is there a such thing as too much moderation? Perfection. If moderation leads to perfection, but you don't want too much perfection, then where does that leave you? Living. Striving. And hopefully enjoying.This doesn't have to make sense to you. That's not to say it's difficult to understand because it isn't. It just doesn't have to make perfect sense.I read this article in a small art magazine that they have on the newsstands at our school for free. It said that when people make pottery or weave blankets, etc., that they'll often put a flaw in them on purpose. It reminds them that nothing is perfect. It helps them to remain at ease with imperfection. In a way, that makes it seem like there's a such thing as a perfect flaw. A perfectly placed flaw. We all have them. It's just that not everybody loves everybody else's. But sometimes you find someone who appreciates even your perfectly placed flaws. Hold on to those people. It's easy to love people for everything that's right about them. The much more difficult thing is to love them in spite of, or even because of, their supposed flaws. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then so is imperfection. If you realize through your own struggles that you can never be perfect no matter how hard you try, then why expect someone else to be? It is in the trying. Do they try to be the best person they can be? Then love them for that. Treat them as if they are already whom and what they hope to become. I think I read something somewhere that had advice like that. I like it. I really like it. I don't even know where to end. I'm usually always looking forward to writing a good conclusion. I just don't have one in me at the moment. I guess that just means I'm not finished with this yet. I think that's a good thing.

Relax

I just spent some time reading over the last few posts I've put up to motivate myself to write more again. I'm really glad I wrote all of those posts because they've inspired me to CALM DOWN. I mean, seriously, how do any of you put up with my constant worry and ridiculous amount of over-conscientiousness and self-awareness? How do I put up with it myself? How am I in my head all the time? If I were standing in front of myself, I would give me a hug and say, "It'll all be okay, kid."

I need to give myself a break. I need to take a deep breath and just relax. Now I don't like how much I sound like a victim. And writing that sentence just makes me more annoyed with myself for always analyzing what I say or think before I even finish saying or thinking it. I'm not self-loathing or anything. I think I'm an alright human for the most part. I just want to shake myself sometimes though. And I want to stop starting every sentence with "I."

How do you go about changing something about your personality that is so deeply ingrained in you? How do you get yourself out of the box you've been sitting so comfortably in? Do you just have to learn to embrace everything about yourself whether you like it or not? Or are there just some things we'll battle with ourselves over throughout our lives? Unlike the ones in my first paragraph, these are not rhetorical questions.

Edit: Upon giving this post a little more thought, I feel exactly the same about it as I do all of my previous posts. A lot of the time, I wish two things. Well, that's probably an exaggeration. On occasion, I have wished two things. 1) That I had some sort of hobby aside from being fascinated with human behavior. 2) That I were a man.

I'm just going to let that second point sink in for a moment before explaining myself...

If I were a man, I think so many things would be better. Yes, being a woman (which still sounds weird to say, by the way) can be fun. I love my relationship with my mom and sisters and girlfriends. And Kyle. And...well, I suppose being pregnant will be cool when I get there, though I am in no way, shape, or form excited to actually give birth. I can't think of any other benefits at the moment. Oh wait, you can get free drinks and cry your way out of tickets. People trust you more, I think. And you're not expected to carry heavy things. I think that just about sums it up.

If I were a man, I think only my favorite parts of myself would be left. Don't be gross or anything because I'm talking about the intangible stuff. Seeing as how I wish I would worry less about how I'm perceived and not care so much about trying to please everyone, I think being a man would be really helpful. They're not expected to cater to everyone's needs like women are. They're not even expected to be super nice. There are a lot of things that I say (or don't) that I think are taken differently simply because of my being the messenger. Men just get away with saying a lot of things, which is fine because I enjoy men and know many who are incredibly entertaining. I just wish that I had the same privilege.

My brother once told me to be direct with someone who had been rude to me. Whatever it was he told me to say, I proceeded to explain to him that such a direct comment would make people think I was a bi***. I pointed out to him that he could talk to his friends that way and have everyone be over it two minutes later. Not so when you're a woman. Everything has to be hashed out. I'm part of the problem, too. I admit it. I don't like it, but I admit it.

I think a lot of my time is wasted beating around the bush and talking in circles in an effort to be tactful. I wish I were more direct. Then just be more direct, you say. But it just isn't socially acceptable for women to be as straight-forward as men. Being coy and indirect and passive-aggressive and impossible to read is all part of the game for females. I don't understand how this was helpful in the evolutionary process, and I wish I could put an end to it.

I'm not blaming society for the things I wish I could change about myself, but I do realize it sounds that way. It's just that I truly believe I could be a more genuine version of my core self if my gender didn't color the way my words and actions are perceived. For once, I really don't know how to express what I'm trying to convey. I hope this somewhat made sense to you. I'm guessing only women will understand what I'm getting at, although I have a feeling that there's a similar sentiment among some people when it comes to ethnicity as well. I know women aren't the minority, which is so ironic to me; but I'm just kind of confused about how everything having to do with gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and so on has gotten to this point. Who ever decided what is normal, acceptable, healthy, "better," etc., in the first place anyway?

I know there are millions of viewpoints on this topic, and I really don't think either gender is better than the other. Personally though, I sometimes wonder whether I'd enjoy life more as a man. I mean, think of all the time I'd save if I didn't have to blow-dry my hair and put on make-up every day.

So, any thoughts on which gender has it easier? Or what the pros and cons are to being one or the other?

I know it's late and that a lot of my points are either really unclear and/or not very well thought out yet, so please don't be offended or take anything I said too seriously. I'm sure I'll change my mind tomorrow. It's one of those blessing/curse things about being a woman.

Thoughts

This started out as a Facebook status. It began as a legitimate question and then morphed. I don't understand why, but I feel like posting it:

Do you think people who are about the same age typically know about the same number of people? Of course there are different levels of knowing people, but I wonder if any of us really knows a lot more people than anyone else. How many people do you think we can meet and remember? Why is it so difficult for some people to remember names or faces? Why am I still awake? Why am I writing this? Am I really going to post this? Probably not. But maybe. Welcome to my brain. I'm tired.